Introspective
For awhile now, I have been a parent. Not in the literal sense but a parent to my younger brother. Sending him to school, feeding him, dressing him up properly and even discussing the embarrassing things as growing up as a teen.
That said, being home alone for 8hrs of the day was a frightening experience at first. Being the social person I am, dependent on human interactions I couldn’t deal with it for the first week, until I became overwhelmed with a feeling of peace. This time that I have for me, myself and I became soothing and gave a very important opportunity that I have very well under-appreciated. This 8hrs space gave me time to reflect, ponder and think about someone who I was ignoring for the last few months. Me.
I began to reflect on the past 5 years, all the crazy shit that has happened. From parents divorcing, to finishing year 12 and attending University to the finer friends, relationships and enemies that I have encountered along the way. As I read my past posts I saw something that I despised in people, Immaturity. Holy fuck do I hate my 17 year old self (and to think that was only 18months ago) I like to say I’m mature for my age but some of those posts are appalling Thinking I was faultless and that I have no problems in my being and the negativity! Reading them made me cringe, like the first bite into blue cheese.
But I guess I was a young teen exploring new emotions of love, lust, betrayal and loss. It’s not uncommon to see a mopy teen. I’d like the time to thank S.P. and V.T. for showing me both the right and wrong to handle a relationship and a break up. I’ve grown very much so emotionally thanks to the both of you and I should credit you for at least that. I hope to have a adult to adult talk soon.
I can see now how much I have grown since that year. Back then I didn’t take responsibility for myself and gave all my time into other people. Some who would give that time back and others who would not. But now I can see I have properly matured.
June 2012 was that start when I started to take care of my health. I was a whopping 130kg,. financially unstable and academically a mess. It brings me great shame just to admit this.
I have tried and failed before. As Homer once said “Trying is the first step to failure” so I changed. I didn’t try this time.
I did it.
I started to change my life rapidly, beginning with gym and a new eating regime. I started to budget correctly and watch my inputs and outputs. My wants and needs. Began to participate back in discussions and academia.
I didn’t see it back then but I see it now. I walked into 2013 with a new me, Wasif V19.0, 40kg lighter and still going, a new car, a house to rent and a savings account with real savings. Emotionally the depths to which I have grown I see my 17 year old self as a snivelling child. I’m not afraid. Fear is the enemy of will. Whatever my desires are, I will accomplish them. I will set goals and targets and I shall score and assassinate them.
I’ve begun to trim the fat in my friend(s) circle(s) too, keep the ones who cares not only about me but also the others in the group. It has been a success. Unfortunately I have had failures too. I’ve been trying to talk some of the men and women who got me this far who have helped indirectly. Specifically C.L. and A.J.
A.J. and I squawk almost every other day, lovely lady who put up with all my childish shit from a long time ago in middle school. C.L. another incredible woman who did the same if not more closer to home, you will not believe the brains and work ethics of this women. Truly astonishing, which I greatly admire and desire. But alas we maybe be growing apart from. I don’t blame her! Already in her Masters, study load must be enormous and require like minded people to go on.Unfortunately I may no longer fit. No matter, I can tell she has a great life in front of her filled with journalistic expeditions.
It’s time for 2013, time to move, grow, explore.
